It has been awhile since I have posted and while there are many excuses the biggest answer has been major changes that have gone on in the world and in my life. As the world is starting to get back to what will be our new normal I am still searching to figure out how to return to or create what I want as my normal. I have spent the quarantine time learning new skills, reconnecting to myself and remembering who I was before quarantine, before marriage and who I am after divorce. I have picked back up the painting that I used to do before I got married and had two more kids. I have realized how much I missed painting late into the night. I missed how my oldest son, then a small child, would have his drafting table next to mine and we would draw and paint. Recently I have been able to do that again with him, now an adult finding his own creative self.

Here are some of my recent paintings.

I have found that where I used to paint more realistic pieces I am loving working on more abstract pieces. I am finding myself pour parts of me into the work while also finding so much of me that I didn’t realize was lost. I have realized how much I let go of myself and my vision and direction to be the perfect wife, mother and business owner. I thought that I had to be everything to everyone and that all anyone wanted was someone who could handle everything and be perfect. But reality is life is messy and the more that we give of ourselves to everyone else the less we have for ourselves. I realized that my vision was so much more about what I wanted to achieve so that I could give more to the people in my life. I realized the people that should be in my life would never want me to give up those parts of me. That asking me to give up those parts was not love, it was control, fear and hurt. And this is not about blame because I willingly gave up those parts because it was what I thought you did when you loved someone. I thought you sacrificed yourself to create a new life. Reality, giving that up was the start to the end because it makes everyone unhappy and resentments happen on all sides. When we forget what really moves our soul and where our passion comes from to make someone else happy we hurt ourselves.

Here are some of the works I used to do before, when I would go from creating interior designs during the day to painting at night.

So in this search for who I am and what truly makes me excited and fuels my soul I realized these things. I love being a mother and I am a much better mother without having to be perfect. That it is ok to be open and honest and allow my feelings to be present. That I am a better mother when I am not following a rule book that bedtime doesn’t have to be set all the time. That sometimes chores can wait because snuggles and family time are so much more important. That creating a safe space where my kids can always share their feelings is more important than being an authority figure.

I have found how much I missed traveling. That new places and experiences are something that my soul needs. That to be inspired in design and art that I need new experiences and new places. That we cannot create in a vacuum, the there has to be inspiration and collaboration. Before my life completely changed I had been working on a plan to travel once a month to new locations to get inspired, see new things and bring back new design styles and how I want to incorporated them into what I do. My soul had been begging for me to remember who I am and what I needed. To write about what I found and what inspired me.

It is time for me to start acting on that and not continuing to hold back and wait for things to settle down. I have learned that there is always going to be drama and that if I keep putting my life on hold until the drama ends my life will have passed me by with no one hurt but myself. That the more I play into the drama the more there is still control over me and it keeps me from being the best person that I can be. So I am working on letting go. I am letting others have their judgements and opinions that really have nothing to do with me and everything to do with themselves. So instead of looking at things as being forced to give up my kids every other weekend I am going to look at that time as potential trips to find inspiration. It doesn’t mean that I won’t miss my kids, I miss them the minute they walk out the door to go to school or friends houses or activities, but I am not going to let that stop me any longer from finding ways to enjoy the time, finding ways to be whole so that I can be even more for them.

So today I am writing this from Utah. A place I have never been before. I am going to go out and see the sights, check out places that the amazing locals I met last night advised I check out and see where the wind blows. I am letting go of having to have everything planned and lined up and seeing what it is like to just let inspiration and creativity drive me. It’s ok to not be perfect, it’s ok to still be working on your vision, and it’s ok to start over.